k.

I've been thinking about my past relationships, how many of them I've had and how many of them went all wrong. Also I've realized how badly I've hurt some of my ex's. Quite a few of them, to the point where we'd never say hi if we bumped into each other, and if we said something, it sure wouldn't be something nice. Also I think I've figured out the main reason why things went that way. At least my main reason, from my point of view. I was mistaken by blaming it on my immaturity, lack of responsibility, wanting freedom and independence, lack of commitment... I feel now, that these things weren't the main reasons, even if they added up to the big picture.
I think nothing ever worked out because I wasn't living reality, imagining so many things, and involving a person who had fallen in love with me into my spider web of craziness and weirdest visions. I guess I never once loved a real person, I only loved my own created visions and versions of a real existing people. It's like trying to dream together with someone else, but that never worked. I wonder if I will ever manage to shake away this mist off my eyes and hit the reality, touch it and let it crystallize in my mind. I'm hiding from love, romance, or whatever you call it, cause all those things mean drifting even further away from reality.