Autumn chills

I guess I feel most lonely when it gets cold outside. The colder and the darker it gets, the more I need someone. I tell myself that this need is selfish, because I want someone close next to me only so I can be hugged, held, warmed, kissed. It's a selfish need, yet, I cannot control it. Often I feel, the physical need of affection is stronger than the mental one, therefore I lie to myself that I long talks, conversations, trips on the weekends. Maybe in reality I only want to be held in someone's arms. 

smoke

at night

tonight

I miss you and I miss you some more. And more. And I think about you day and night, and this empty space next to me is for you.

60 kg thoughts

Loneliness fear loneliness fear life tranquility my melancholy it flows my mind it blows up everyone around me like they were made of gold dust, boom, and they're all over the place, dust of gold, golden dust inside our lungs and our long long intestines, my blood is golden my golden heart is pumping my golden blood through my golden veins, it's all just dust at the end, who cares, golden or not. It's all dust at the end.
Why am I walking on this road without no end no signs no one but dark silhouettes passing by, oh hi, Kotryna, whatsup? You start answering but they're gone, no one listening to you or what you want to say, they just ask, without even wanting to hear your answer. It's all opinions, points of view, but who knows the truth, in this reality warped by fucked up mindsets that make no sense, you suddenly feel like all that makes sense is often out of your reach, so you grasp and catch the dust of knowledge, dust of reality, dust of love, it's so close, but out of reach, all you grasp are the leftovers of what you wished for so bad. I know what I want, but I do not know if I will want it tomorrow, so should I live for my wishes? My God, these days with cloudy sky make you forget that the sun even exists. No one's holding you, so you hold yourself. You help yourself get up. You reach out for your own hand, and you take your hand, you get up walking holding hands with yourself, having conversations with yourself, arguing with your own mind, you fight with yourself, you even fuck with yourself, and that's the best fuck you'll ever get. How many of me are there, which one of me is talking right now, which one of me is writing, which one of me, the good, the bad, the foolish, the horny, the lonely, the sad, the crying one, the one with a big smile, the smart one or the dumbass, the sensitive one or the egoist who chooses all but caring about others. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Your mind told you once that you're a bird, once you flew away, throwing diamonds to all those staring with their heads up, all those who have noticed you flying, spitting out shiny jewels, jewels that fell on their heads and poked their eyes. Then they all turned blind, and they see nothing, they carry diamonds in their eyes and the world seems a shiny pink sugar TV channel that tastes as good as your own mothers breast milk.

shhh

           I made this so I don't forget the silly lullaby I sing for my baby when she starts crying. Uh.

Once upon a time

I was sitting in a bus yesterday, on my way to town, and a man came in. I wouldn't even have noticed him, if it wasn't his smell. Maybe it was his perfume, maybe his natural essence, maybe all together, but when I sensed this smell, I had a strong flashback of memories, hitting me hard there and then, like it all came back for a moment - me, a seventeen year old dummie completely foolish about a boy, a twenty four year old man, who was lying to me, cheating on me, and cheating with me, but I still will never forget him, never forget his smell and how much I loved sinking into it when he was holding me in his hands, I would breathe heavily so that the smell would stay in me forever. I was crazy. And Boom, here I am, after three years, more mature, more sane, more self-respectful, breathing in deeply, trying to catch every little drop of that scent in the air, hungry for it, like nothing ever changed at all. Missing those fleshy, juicy lips that used to kiss me and didn't miss a centimeter of my skin, that tongue, that body, those memories. Not even mad at him for all the bad things he did no more.

Hi.

I wake up. It's the alarm clock buzzing next to my head. I feel the dream breaking away, leaving through my open mouth, I exhale and it's gone. I can't catch it with my hands, it escapes, I can't grip it with my fingers, this dream was so real, so vivid, but at the same time so short-lived, so episodic.

         My head is spinning, it's cold in the room, the sky is clear, light blue, my eyes are foggy, grey.

Tonight

I need someone to sing me a lullaby. 

I've spent the weekend at my Grandma's. I feel so much love for this lady, I mean, if you looked at her, all you'd see is an old woman, nothing special. When I look at her, I see my life, my childhood, my memories. I see myself, all I've been and what I will be. She's no ordinary lady.

I don't like.

I don't like :

The scratchy noise a knife makes when someone's cutting the god damn PLATE instead of their food.

Guys who give me pervy looks in the metro, bus, street, public canteens, lift, shopping center, theater or anywhere else. Unless the guy is hot, then I like it, and I might even give him a pervy look back.

I don't like myself. (Often, not always)

I don't like people who spend all their time cleaning. Washing, ironing, wiping the dust, trying to keep things perfect and sterile. It makes me wanna run around and shout ''Anarchy, anarchy !!''

I don't like how women are usually bitchy to each other. I hate to be in a room full of women, knowing they all secretly hate each other, but are all smiling. I don't like the feeling of competition between women. I feel much more laid back with boys usually.
( And yeah, I'm a woman, I get bitchy sometimes, and I don't like that neither.)

I don't like bartenders who make you feel like you shouldn't be in that bar. Cause you're not cool enough, or you don't know everyone there, or he's just having a bad day letting it out on you. In these kind of cases I stay sitting by the bar, get drunk and start whispering about how rude the bartender is, whilst the more I drink, the louder my whispering gets.

I don't like people who are normal. And by that I mean, who can't go randomly crazy insane, and do fun things that might make them look silly. I like people who are at least a little bonkers sometimes.

I don't like when my ass gets itchy, but I'm in the middle of the street or somewhere public, so I cannot scratch. Very irritating indeed. I wish we were more relaxed about these things, and ass scratching wouldn't be such a big of a deal.

I don't like awkward silence.

I don't like when the person I'm sleeping next to is farting, snoring, or sleep punching. Urh. I punch them back. Twice as hard. Pow pow

Surprise Prize

I really like Latin classes. Holy bejasus. I guess once you start understanding something it gets really interesting. Latin-obsessed Kot.

I like

When you feel someone's finger tips on your lips.

When you sit in the sunshine, when you drink the sunshine, when you hear the sunshine. When it gets inside you like a warm drink, fills you up, like all your body was made out of sun rays and you feel you're heating up with light.

 When your mind is buzzing with ideas, those moments when you believe, for a day, or a second, that you're special and that you can do it.

When you walk in the street full of autumn leaves, kicking them around, looking up to see thousands of birds leaving, you breathe in to smell the autumn.

When someone whispers to your ear, kisses your neck, takes you in their arms, and you feel calm, safe, nothing else matters there and then. Life stops, like you two were the only ones left breathing, so close, sharing all you've got, vulnerable for a moment.

When you wake up in peace.

When you sit by the window watching stars and you don't feel tired, you just feel a part of it all.

When you fly in the plane during a turbulence, but you're not scared, you're not scared at all. You just watch the clouds, the peacefulness outside, and even if you fall, you won't be afraid. You would watch the ground coming closer, those seconds would extend to hours, days and years.

Had a dream again. About the lives I had lived before this one, and the lives my friends had lived. Me and my best friends are so close, because apparently, we knew each other in our earlier lives. We have met before.

Watch them.

Some movies I'd like to recommend. No bullshit, no mainstream nonsense or mind numbing crap. Please do watch.

1. ''Smoke'' by Wayne Wang.

2. ''Underground'' by Emir Kusturica

3. ''Secrets And Lies'' by Mike Leigh

4. ''Breaking the Waves'' by Lars Von Trier.

5. ''Knocking on Heaven's Door'' by Thomas Jahn

6. ''The Big Lebowski''

7. ''Ghost Dog : The Way Of Samurai'' ( one of my favorites )

8. ''Kikujiro'' by Takeshi Kitano

9. ''Raise the Red Lantern'' ( some Chinese flavor )

10. " A City of Sadness '' by Hsiao-hsien Hou

11.''Sous le Soleil de Satan''

12. ''Subway'' by Luc Beson

13. ''Women on the verge of a nervous breakdown'' by Pedro Almodovaro

14. ''Close Encounters of the Third Kind '' ( now I'm not so sure everyone's gonna like this one :)

This is madness. This world is madness. The line between sanity and madness is so thin, and a tiny spark can cause a huge fire, when things turn insane, dangerous, when people become animals, or worse than that, not even animals, they become pure madness itself.

You shout at me, I shout back at you. Did you hear what I said? Did I even hear myself, full of heat and anger, bursting out with it, ready to kill someone, yeah, that angry.

morning.

I get moments when I feel that I need someone close in my life, but then I remember all those times I've been with someone and the stress and worries it brought, so I let go and keep on doing my thing.

08

What did my heart see in all those people, who mesmerized me ? What did I feel later, when I could touch them, and lived the dream of my past, that in the presence had become just a routine, a simple, boring reality ? Maybe it wasn't boring as such, maybe it was just so real. What's real ?

Quotes

“In this pilgrimage in search of modernity I lost my way at many points only to find myself again. I returned to the source and discovered that modernity is not outside but within us. It is today and the most ancient antiquity; it is tomorrow and the beginning of the world; it is a thousand years old and yet newborn. It speaks in Nahuatl, draws Chinese ideograms from the 9th century, and appears on the television screen. This intact present, recently unearthed, shakes off the dust of centuries, smiles and suddenly starts to fly, disappearing through the window. A simultaneous plurality of time and presence: modernity breaks with the immediate past only to recover an age-old past and transform a tiny fertility figure from the neolithic into our contemporary. We pursue modernity in her incessant metamorphoses yet we never manage to trap her. She always escapes: each encounter ends in flight. We embrace her and she disappears immediately: it was just a little air. It is the instant, that bird that is everywhere and nowhere. We want to trap it alive but it flaps its wings and vanishes in the form of a handful of syllables. We are left empty-handed. Then the doors of perception open slightly and the other time appears, the real one we were searching for without knowing it: the present, the presence.” 

These days

I was just thinking.. When life pulls you into it's swirls and storms, underwater you can't hear or see much. All you think about is surviving. You stop caring about how you look, how you will spend your weekend or what party you will go to. All you think about is how to get a gulp of air, how to survive the storm, how to co me out alive. You even forget about your own madness, about your own mood swings, your own self pity. You ain't got no time for that, you just think about surviving.

Poem.

This day was a twat
I'm tired, that's that.

Squeeze a Fucking Smile day

I squeezed out a smile today. Can you?

Dream team : Alice chasing rabbit

What a morning.

I had a dream I was at someone's father's funeral but I was real happy about something else so I ended up not crying and looking like I'm feeling good, and so everyone was very angry at me the whole time. After some years we were watching a video filmed at the funeral, where everyone looked sad, and then when camera focused on me, I had this giggly smile, I looked so relaxed, full of energy, healthy, happy. I felt so guilty for looking that way, I felt that I should have pushed that happiness away from me.

The scene suddenly changed, I was in Brazil, walking in the streets of favela, looking at people's faces. They looked poor, mostly grey, but the girls were beautiful. I was checking out the girls, and whispered ''gorgeous''  to myself all the time. I reached a gas station, went to the toilet and saw myself in the mirror. My whole body, even my face was tattooed with my own paintings. It looked good, a lot like those traditional hawaiian tattoos. I came out of the toilet and started dancing, moving my hips in this circular way, and the cleaning lady was watching me smiling. I felt very strange, never the less. Also all this time I was searching for a man, this man I know, but he kept on disappearing, I saw him walking in the gas station, but he left while I was in the toilet, I could never reach him, though I wanted to see him so bad. Funny thing was that I followed road signs with his name on it and then an arrow pointing out the direction. Like he left those road signs himself, so I could find him, like he made it into a game on purpose. I could feel where he was intuitively though, I knew the sign was there before I saw it. I wanted that man, wanted to find him and kiss him, was chasing him like a predator chases his prey, and the prey is smarter, therefore ends up playing with the predator.

Two of my friends were waiting outside, sitting on a bench, we all sat down, and my friend, this girl, told me that  she saw the man I was looking for. She said he looked quite old and very sleepy, and therefore I should let go off him. He was tired from running. I could feel he was close. I was asking everyone for a phone, trying to call him, trying to reach him with my hands shaking from excitement, but the number wasn't working, I was getting so anxious, like it was impossible to catch him, but I couldn't give up. That's when I opened my eyes.

'' Reality is wrong, dreams are for real ''